3 days ago....there we were....
waiting in the ultrasound room.....
waiting to see a glimpse of our future.... would it be a boy or a girl?
i had my eyes closed....hoping and praying for a girl... (confession: I even wore pink underwear)
and the sonographer says..."hmmm.."
"hmm, what?" I ask.
"it's a boy! " she said...
and i come up with some lame response like, oh my, 3 boys..what are we going to do?! i don't even remember what i said. for all i could do while i lay there was fight back the tears that were welling up....
ugh. feelings of shame and guilt crept up.....for he is healthy and perfect. he is a gift and a blessing. i KNOW this. i have experienced the struggle to have a child...i should be grateful....
and i am extremely grateful. for i love him.
but, this is all so final. he is our last one....
he was supposed to be our little girl. our unexpected blessing...a divine blessing from up above. a little girl to honor tom's dear sweet mom that we lost a few months back...
i thought maybe there was a little pull from her up in heaven...to give us the little girl i have longed for since the thought of being a mother popped into my head...
i thought maybe God was surprising us with the girl i'd always wanted...
she was going to be called norah. (as was owen...as was max)
she was going to wear cute little dresses, barrettes, and headbands...
i was going to braid her hair or put it in pigtails....
she was going to play tea party and we were going to paint each other's nails..
she was going to wear a cute little, pink tutu and spin in circles while humming a little tune... and then giggle when she fell from the dizziness...
she was going to be daddy's little girl....
and then we would endure the teenage years.... (or maybe the teenage years would be kind to us)
then she would mature and realize how much she appreciated me... and we would go on shopping trips and have heart to heart conversations about things you can't talk about with boys....
she would fall in love and get married....and we'd go pick out that perfect wedding dress...the one...
she'd have her own child one day....and we'd talk about pregnancy and being a mom....
and how wonderful it is...
we would share a special bond....one only mothers and daughters can have....
of course in reality, if we had a daughter....she may be absolutely nothing like the images i have in my head. for this is just what i pictured in my head...of what having a girl is all about. i am very aware this is not a complete reality..... it's just a vision....
you see, i am not grieving this sweet baby boy growing inside me....
i am mourning the loss of a dream....
i feel as if i will be missing out...
i feel i will be missing out on this experience in life....
so forgive me....if i have to put on a happy face (or say some sarcastic remark) when i say it's a boy!!
and then there are the comments that i have already gotten in 3 short days:
"Another boy?! oh my."
"Are you going to try again for that girl??"
"I'm so glad I have a girl....when boys grow older, they always leave their moms. girls stick around..close to their moms" (from a patient/stranger...)
ouch...that makes me feel so much better.....
don't worry. i will get over it. the first 24 hours were tough but at least i am no longer crying.... (well, until i typed this)
it will become a distant pang of hurt at some point....i know i will feel bitterness when i walk by the girl section in target....
i know i will feel a little twinge of envy when others around me get their girl...
or when i see the perfect little family with their boy and girl....
but, please know that i know i am blessed beyond measure.....
that i am excited to meet this little one....
and my 3 boys will share such a special bond....
and i will continue to smile when owen excitedly talks about his new brother! (he is thrilled....to the point that i overheard him telling his little friends at school all about it....melt my heart)
and as my sisters say.....real boys can rock pink....and i will be queen of the castle.... ha :)
and dear sweet baby boy.....
i love you so, no matter what....
i cannot wait to hold you in my arms...
for i know then,
all of my fears will surely melt away....
you are part of His plan for me. for our family.
you are a GIFT.
you are loved.
9 comments:
ZERO judgement from me. I hear you loud and clear, and I'm touched by your honesty. No one should judge you for your feelings. Your dream of a little girl is beautiful. You're allowed to have dreams! :-) (and the comments you've received? eek. That has to smart just a bit).
Your little boy will definitely be loved. But I understand one gazillion percent what you are saying. Hugs! xoxo
Oh my dear, sweet friend. I'm sitting over here crying over my keyboard because I can totally sympathize with you.
You are mourning the loss of a dream. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The people who call you vain or ungrateful or anything else for that matter have not experienced this kind of loss. So don't give the words they speak one second of your precious time.
I can't say that I know exactly what to say, really...(you know how i am with words. ;) )
Cry, mourn, proceed through the stages of grief on your own time - don't rush it. It takes a lot of time, and even then it never completely goes away - that feeling of loss. (Not trying to bring you down, but just be honest about my experience of it.) It's one of those things that marks a chapter in your life. A part of your story ends, and a new part begins. It marks a change in your life. It bookmarks a place of "before and after"...
You will get through...I'm living proof. ;)
Surround yourself with those that understand you, and can take the time to be gentle with your heart.
Hug your little Owen and Max to pieces and then hug them some more.
You are so very loved. I'd reach through this computer and give you a big hug and have a good cry with you if I could.
love you.
xo
Oh friend. I know how badly you wanted that girl. And I know I probably can't say much to make it better (coming from the girl that has that "all American one girl one boy family" you probably don't want to hear much from me). Just know that I, too, admire your honesty and that I think you are an incredible mom.
And friend, God will create new dreams.
Naomi, you are so brave for posting this. And I admire you for being honest and real and raw with your feelings. You are allowed to feel those things and grieve the loss of having a girl. I wish I knew what to say. I'm sad for you and praying for you. Thank you for writing this and for being so honest. Hugs!
I think everyone has the right to feel the way they do. My best friend is going on her 3rd girl... My dad wanted more boys to carry the family name... And me here, I have none and we are currently watching a video "In The Womb" in my Child Development class and it makes me want to hurry and complete these last classes so B and I can FINALLY make babies! So really, it can be emotional to see all these cute babies, boy or girl. *SIGH* This baby is going to be loved, loved as you will too! Hugs! XO
Well, I'm crying. Your words brought up all my loss memories... in a good way. I like to remember those feelings. This is a loss for you. Feel it, work through it. Wish I'd read this sooner and I would've given you a big hug at work!
I was just recently talking with a friend about how we feel guilty about our stress or unhappiness or crabbiness sometimes, because we know that others have it more difficult than us, or because we KNOW we should be so grateful for what we have... but there are moments when we're mad and sad and stressed and jealous and all of those ugly emotions, and we need to honor them. It is all relative. Yes, you have a miracle of a baby growing inside of you. But that doesn't mean that you can't be sad about not having a girl. I sometimes resent all of the cliche statements people make to wrap things up and try to put a bow on them. Sometimes we just need to be in our negative place for a bit, and that's ok!!
Super honest and real feelings Naomi. It's okay to give yourself permission to grieve the vision you had in your head. Sometimes I think we think that being disappointed means we are ultimately disappointing God. So far from the truth. It is his absolute desire to hear your honesty and to engage him with your raw feelings.
I know you will love your little boy. You won't be able to help loving him. But it's okay in this moment to wish he was a girl and to process that with your Father.
Hugs for you!
I have to say, both my husband and I wanted our third to be a girl too. We got little Mal instead and we couldn't be happier. I know know what it's like to mourn the loss of a dream in more ways then one. I think a lot of these comments are so right. You have to acknowledge your feelings and work through them. There is no shame in this.
Post a Comment