Living a Nightmare

I know this is TMI for some but I just don't think I care to keep things all bottled up anymore........

We started trying for another baby over a year ago--16 months to be exact.

First it was 9 months of trying and finally 10 weeks of pregnant bliss.

Then the unthinkable happened...no heartbeat.....

Now after 5 months of trying-- I discovered I was pregnant again just last week...

Labs were looking good--got them checked and double checked again.....I thought could this really be real this time?? 

But then the unthinkable happened....again.......miscarriage #2.

I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

I'm so sick of crying, so sick of waiting and so sick of wondering.

When is it my turn??

Why me?

How could this happen again?

What did I do to deserve this?

What am I doing wrong?

What is wrong with me?

I thought it was finally--MY. TURN.

I was losing hope and maybe even losing a little faith and then when I became pregnant I realized God is good and prayers are answered.....

I don't know what point is trying to be proven here but I think that point has certainly been established --whatever that point may be.

Maybe I'm only meant to have 1 child (that I am SO BLESSED to have--he truly is a miracle)...but if I am, why do I have this longing in my heart?

Haven't I gone through enough?

And you know what kills me the most....

The other day Tom asked Owen if he wanted a brother or a sister.

And Owen says, "I want a sister."

And I asked, "why do you want a sister?"

And he says, "because I don't have one."

I thought it was so sweet at the time but now it just feels like a big punch in the gut.

I want for Owen so badly to have a sibling.

And I think he wants one too--he LOVES babies and is so good with them......

And for some reason we can't give that to him.  

And that shatters my heart....into a million pieces.

When will I wake up from this nightmare?